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The Path To 9/12 - A Docudramedy

It Goes "The Path To 9/11" One Better!

Setting - The White House Press Room. A podium with the Presidential Seal is placed in front of a hallway with a red carpet. The auditorium is empty except for one reporter who is flipping through pages in a small spiral notepad. The President steps onto the red carpet and enters the room, stepping up to the microphone on the podium.

President: Thank you. I just have a few brief statements. This was a terrible anniversary that we just had. Terrible. I know it's been five years, and I know I should have been over it by now. But I'm not. And maybe, if you're anything like me, maybe you aren't either. That's why I'm saddened I didn't stay.

And that's why I'm sworn to getting those people that did this to us and bring them to swift justice. We're well on the way, since we granted Iran its freedom. Did I say Iran? I meant Iraq. They're so close. Just one letter. N-O-P-Q! And no, I wasn't just trying to spell Iraq! Heh heh! Now, if there aren't any questions, I'll just g...

Reporter: Mr. President. I have a question.

President: You? Who are you?

Reporter: I'm someone with a vested interest in what you have to say.

President: Hey. No concealed weaponry!

Reporter: Well, I couldn't have gotten within a hundred yards of the building if I did, sir.

President: Oh, yeah! That's right. I like you. I'm gonna call you "Smart Guy." What's your question?

Reporter: Mr. President. We go in and invade Iraq. But why? What was our reason for being there?

President: That? That old wheeze? Now I've answered this countless times. Hundreds of times. Even DOZENS of times! The answer is always the same. We are there to give democracy and freedom to the good people of Iraq.

Reporter: Mm. Ok. But we're mired in a civil war now. Shouldn't we have examined all of the scenarios before we ran headfirst into someone else's country, making their problems our own?

President: Nooooo. Because those people were under the despotic leadership of an evil Hitleresque tyrannasaur that would make a rex. Heh heh! You see what I did there? But seriously, no. They CAN'T not wait for freedom! It's too important.

Reporter: Name somebody.

President: Excuse me?

Reporter: I've noticed that in speeches you give about people you purportedly care about, you call them by name and tell a little bit about them. So, I was just asking you to name any Iraqi citizen and explain what you know about their life.

President: That's just silly. There are too many to name!

Reporter: Only asking for one, sir.

President: I refuse to single out any one person here. That's not fair to the rest!

Reporter: Kinda like refusing to single out one Middle Eastern country for attack, right sir?

President: I don't know what you're trying to prove with that statement, and I don't know if I like it.

Reporter: Since that's a bit beyond you, let's bring it back domestically. What about all of the Katrina victims here at home?

President: Say what?

Reporter: You've got a major region of your own country begging to be "freed" from the plights of homelessness, displacement, squalor, and decay. Are you saying that freedom for people who aren't even citizens of our country is more important than those that you govern?

President. Yes! I mean, no, not at all, not much, no. No! We can do both. We can do both.

Reporter: And a year later and we still haven't done either? Mr. President, I really think there are only two logical explanations for what we're doing in Iraq, while New Orleans and the surrounding coastlines are still lying in ruin.

President: Ok. I'm listening.

Reporter: You either invaded Iraq for your own secret motives...

President: No! That's definitely not the reason!

Reporter: ...or Kanye West was right.

President: Well... Now wait. Let's think for a second. There's got to be another one!

Reporter: Somehow, though, you do care about the "brown people" of Iraq! So the question is what do they have that the folks in the storm region don't?

President: Um... WMDs?

Reporter: No.

President: DMVs?

Reporter: Not really.

President: N Double A CPs?

Reporter: It's one or possibly two things.

President stares in at Reporter

President: Uh. You're great at the element of suspense.

Reporter: It's either geographic location...

President: That sounds like it could be it...

Reporter: Or oil.

President: Oil? We just found a new thing of oil right in our backyard! Right in the Gulf of Texaco! So, I'm going with the geography idea and the "freedom for people because they wanted to escape Hussein" stuff. Next question.

Reporter: Why did we prioritize Hussein when we knew it was bin Laden that was responsible for the attacks?

President: Look, Smart Guy. The world is safer now that Hussein is gone.

Reporter: You know, Mr. President, you constantly say that, and it's easy to say that when we can't compare the world to what it would have been. But let's be honest. The world is not safer when hundreds of our troops are being killed for a war that we were ill advised to begin.

President: It is safer. The threat of Middle Easternness is diminisculed, thanks to our deciditory actions.

Reporter: My sources say this whole thing was to destroy the infrastructure of Iraq so we could go in with our contractors and rebuild it and earn a lot of money for the corporations, as well as acquire the oil they hold on the cheap.

President: Who are those sources? I need to tell them to keep their mouths shut. I mean, you're saying "oil" like it's something slippery or, or crude! Oil isn't a dirty word! America needs oil! This is a country that's big! You can drive end to end of Iraq on a day trip. This country? No can do. I can't go for that. And in a big country, dreams stay with you. Does anybody else have any questions?

Reporter: Sir... I'm the only one here.

President: So we're done then?

Reporter: Speaking of driving around Iraq, why is it that the ground troops still don't have the proper equipment to do the job you sent them there for, Mr. President?

President: You're wrong. The troops have everything they need.

Reporter: That's not what some of...

President: Buh, buh, buh, buh! Now you listen. You're so busy quoting facts and stating things, you aren't even paying attention to my rhetoric! Now I'm only going to say this once. The people in charge know what they are doing. And they tell me if anything is wrong. That's how I know there's nothing wrong, because I would have heard something!

Reporter: You mean, just like the week after Katrina.

President: Katrina had nothing to do with Iraq. I wish you would stop trying to find some link between the two. Maybe I should call you "Not So Smart Guy."

Reporter: One final question, sir.

President: Make it snappy because I have to go throw out the first pitch at the Redskins game.

Reporter: How will history remember your presidency?

President: I don't know for certain, since I'm not history yet!

Reporter: You're getting closer, every day.

President: But I would think that the policies that helped an oppressed people become relieved of their burden...

Reporter: ...of oil?

President: ...of being oppressed. I think that would be the top thing. And how we got the people responsible for attacking our country.

Reporter: Mr. President, we haven't done that.

President: But history will clean it all up. You'll see. Just like we're going to clean up New Orleans. Oh now you see? You messed up my schedule. The Redskins game was last night. It was on while I was addressing the nation! I wonder what I'm missing while I'm talking to you?

Reporter: I'm sure you can flip on Fox News when you get upstairs and see.

President: Ok. I've stood up here and taken some pretty scathing comments. Now, you tell me something. What's your name?

Reporter: Just call me A.P.

President: Ah ha. I knew you were with the Associated Press. The peskiest journalists I ever dealt with...

Reporter: No. I'm not a member of the Associated Press.

President: You mean you work at the A & P? I thought those all got converted to Food Emporiums.

The Reporter stands and packs his notebook and pen inside his jacket.

Reporter: I'm the American Public.

The Reporter exits. The President pauses and looks around the empty room, then slowly turns towards the hallway behind him..

President: Dick! Condi!

The President races down the red carpet, towards the horizon.



( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Sep. 14th, 2006 08:04 am (UTC)
I enjoyed each and every word of that. Thank you so much for posting it.
Sep. 14th, 2006 08:56 am (UTC)
Thanks for reading it! I was beginning to worry that I wasted my time writing it.
Sep. 14th, 2006 05:26 pm (UTC)
Maybe you should have made it more clear you wrote it? You know how many people cut and paste around here. Even though we all know you are a fine writer, and since you didn't attribute it to anyone else, I knew you wrote it, but a lot of people may not have known? I think you should be writing for the Daily Show.
Oct. 5th, 2006 09:59 pm (UTC)
Yea i'm backtracking here.. ;P but wanted to make sure you knew I really enjoyed this. Very well done!!
Oct. 6th, 2006 04:47 am (UTC)
Thanks, Ingrid! It's nice of you to hit the archives! ;o)
Oct. 6th, 2006 09:16 pm (UTC)
Sure! Sometimes I gotta just set aside time to read.. and then I spam everyone at once, lol.
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )

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