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LJ Idol - Week [7] - "No True Scotsman"*

Pen
*
*
*
Nobody else could celebrate like Jim
Or pour a shot or sing and raise his voice
To tell the truth, we all quite envied him.
Rum was fine, but Scotch was his first choice.
Underwear would drop at Jim’s sweet gaze
Everyone was charmed and that’s no doubt!
Sometimes the men would take up all his days
Come night, the ladies made him scream and shout.
One quiet Sunday evening at the bar
There were no customers for Jim to serve.
Self-serving as he was, got in his car
Made sure to drive safe, then he reached the curve.
And now we celebrate Jim as we cry,
No true Scotsman ever says goodbye.

*This piece was written for LJ Idol using the prompt: "No True Scotsman"

Comments

( 43 comments — Leave a comment )
adoptedwriter
Apr. 25th, 2014 12:18 pm (UTC)
Don't drink and drive!
Great poem. AW
penpusher
Apr. 26th, 2014 02:01 am (UTC)
Thanks very much.
crimsonplum
Apr. 25th, 2014 01:05 pm (UTC)
I love the subtle turn you did with "seelf-serving." Great piece!
penpusher
Apr. 26th, 2014 02:02 am (UTC)
I'm pleased that line worked! Thank you.
bleodswean
Apr. 25th, 2014 04:52 pm (UTC)
Heh. Nicely rendered.
penpusher
Apr. 26th, 2014 02:02 am (UTC)
Thanks very much!
rayaso
Apr. 26th, 2014 04:44 pm (UTC)
I especially liked the last line. I always enjoy the poetry entries. It takes a lot of work.
penpusher
Apr. 26th, 2014 05:49 pm (UTC)
Thanks a lot! I really hoped I wouldn't have to write a poem this week, but the prompt absolutely demanded it from me.
agirlnamedluna
Apr. 27th, 2014 09:58 am (UTC)
Wel if that wasn't the most poetic anti drink and drive piece I've ever read :)
penpusher
Apr. 27th, 2014 04:27 pm (UTC)
Thanks very much.
ecosopher
Apr. 27th, 2014 12:36 pm (UTC)
Poor Jim. What a shame--he sounded like he was quite a guy. (I guess there's a lesson here!)
penpusher
Apr. 27th, 2014 04:30 pm (UTC)
Yes. I wanted to show how Jim was admired by everybody, and how he also admired everyone as well. Thanks so much!
catwomon
Apr. 27th, 2014 01:26 pm (UTC)
You got this in so early! I'm impressed. I struggled with what the topic could mean. I am not a fan of poetry, but I like this. It says something and does it well.
penpusher
Apr. 27th, 2014 04:35 pm (UTC)
Thanks very kindly. When I saw the prompt I knew I'd be going back to poetry this time and that it needed to be a sonnet. It sort of all came together in a flurry. Thanks for a wonderful compliment!
swirlsofblue
Apr. 27th, 2014 04:55 pm (UTC)
It seemed so happy, then got so dark and sad. Brilliant poem.
penpusher
Apr. 27th, 2014 07:25 pm (UTC)
Thank you very much. That was the effect I was going for, and I'm glad it worked.
whipchick
Apr. 27th, 2014 11:43 pm (UTC)
The way the light tone and rhyme scheme contrast with the plot is great. Nice contrast!
penpusher
Apr. 28th, 2014 12:02 am (UTC)
Thanks very much... the sonnet form is typically reserved for love, but I felt it was right for this story as the protagonist was cared about in that way. I'm glad you liked it!
roina_arwen
Apr. 28th, 2014 04:26 am (UTC)
Great little poem with a handy message. :)
penpusher
Apr. 28th, 2014 12:41 pm (UTC)
And thanks very much for reading and commenting!
halfshellvenus
Apr. 28th, 2014 04:57 am (UTC)
This is a nice remembrance of a friend. I'm sorry he's gone, and I'm sure many are missing him!
penpusher
Apr. 28th, 2014 12:42 pm (UTC)
Well, Jim is a composite of people, but isn't a real person himself. But I feel like I at least met him! Thanks for the thought.
i_17bingo
Apr. 28th, 2014 10:07 am (UTC)
I, for one, am glad to see Jim go, because it would be nice, for once, to gi to the bar and not have to keep pulling my pants up. "Dammit, Jim!" I used to always say. "Stop gazing at me! You have the shittiest mutant power!"
penpusher
Apr. 28th, 2014 12:46 pm (UTC)
Touché! Yeah, but it made the walk to the bathroom both more convenient AND more difficult! Thanks as always for your insightful response!
the_lettersea
Apr. 28th, 2014 12:29 pm (UTC)
I liked this -- not only for the general theme, but for the tone, the underlying messages, and the double references embedded.

My only comment (and it may be more of a question) is regarding meter -- you've set this up as an Elizabethan sonnet (abab quatrains with a rhyming couplet at the end), and you adhere very closely to the pentameter format, but the rhythm feels very off. Some lines are perfectly iambic, and others are a jumble ... was this intentional, to have the meter "all over the road" and swerving, until the reader crashes into the conclusion?
penpusher
Apr. 28th, 2014 01:06 pm (UTC)
Thanks for considering this so carefully.

So, true confession time. This sonnet is an acrostic. And I wasn't going to say anything about it because I was curious if anyone would notice that element and comment. Apparently nobody noticed. The earlier lines where I have nine syllables rather than the appropriate ten were a result of that... except for line 14, which I intended to be shorter, to have a pause at the start of that line.

So yes! You caught me. Lines 5 and 6 are off by one beat and line 14 was designed to be off.
the_lettersea
Apr. 28th, 2014 01:25 pm (UTC)
Oh, wow. Yeah, I didn't even consider the possibility of an acrostic. Nice. :-)
penpusher
Apr. 28th, 2014 01:40 pm (UTC)
In a sense I'm really pleased that nobody noticed the acrostic because it meant that the poem worked naturally, on its own. And I had hoped that paring lines 5 and 6 would help mask the meter. Not so for the real students of poetry, like you!
penpusher
Apr. 28th, 2014 02:04 pm (UTC)
Did I say lines 5 and 6? I meant 4 and 5. I better wake up; I'm off to work!
the_lettersea
Apr. 28th, 2014 02:10 pm (UTC)
Well, throwing underwear about is a good way to distract! I just went back and looked at meter after the second reading ... at first I just assumed it was free verse, but then I went back to count lines, feet, and rhyme scheme specifically, so I knew something was up. And at that point, I wasn't looking at the words themselves anymore, so there was no helping it. :-)
improper_me
Apr. 28th, 2014 04:37 pm (UTC)
This is a fine description. I have known many "Jims" in my life.
penpusher
Apr. 29th, 2014 11:23 am (UTC)
It seems like a lot of Jims are turning up this week, based on the stories I'm reading! Thanks for your reflection!
eternal_ot
Apr. 29th, 2014 07:14 am (UTC)
Excellent work! with a social message, notched it up higher. You are one of the writers I look fwd to read!...:)
penpusher
Apr. 29th, 2014 11:24 am (UTC)
Thanks a wonderful compliment! Thanks very much!
kehlen_crow
Apr. 29th, 2014 03:39 pm (UTC)
Wonderful. I enjoyed.
penpusher
May. 3rd, 2014 01:04 am (UTC)
Thanks, and what I don't think anyone noticed was that this poem was an acrostic... I think it's sorta cool that nobody noticed, though!
kehlen_crow
May. 6th, 2014 09:54 am (UTC)
I certainly did not until you pointed it out :).
witches
May. 1st, 2014 05:22 pm (UTC)
This is so great :D
penpusher
May. 3rd, 2014 01:05 am (UTC)
I finally get to reveal that, in addition, the poem was an acrostic... since nobody noticed! Thanks for your lovely compliment!
itsjustc
May. 1st, 2014 11:22 pm (UTC)
I really enjoyed this. It had a good message and I liked the twist in the tale.
penpusher
May. 3rd, 2014 01:06 am (UTC)
Thanks as always for reading and commenting. I certainly appreciate that. And as another note, the poem was an acrostic, just as an extra little something. Nobody noticed!
karmasoup
May. 1st, 2014 11:40 pm (UTC)
This is practically a madrigal, with its whimsical cadence on grim subject. Like a Morrissey tune!
penpusher
May. 3rd, 2014 01:16 am (UTC)
Thanks! I like The Smiths, so that's a very nice compliment. And what nobody noticed was the poem itself was an acrostic. I'm revealing it now!
( 43 comments — Leave a comment )