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LJ Idol - Week [6] - "The Weak Six"*

From the world’s distant poles on to the Equator
The legend lives on of a team
Of failures, of phonies, of unlucky cronies,
As scary as any bad dream.

This half-dozen corps had been goofy before
And had stumbled their way through their tricks
But the story I’m spinning is about the beginning
Of when they became “The Weak Six.”

Now, sep-a-rat-ely, it was easy to see
There was nothing about each to fear
But all put together as a crew out to sea
The disaster was made crystal clear.

I won’t send you a panic; this weren’t the Titanic
And none of these scurvy bums drowned
In fact, said a nurse, that was proof of the curse
That these knuckleheads lingered around.

The leader de facto was a guy called Exacto
Tho, he wasn’t as sharp as a knife
The guy never shaved and the guy never bathed
So he never had sex in his life.

His first in command was his own right hand man
Pyro - the handle he used
With some flint and some spark he would light up the dark
And kept himself very amused.

Next there were twins, but they should have been one
These half-wits would share goofy smiles
They wore matching clothes so nobody knows
Which was Lindsay and which one was Miles.

That brings the last pairing, the two that were daring
The ones filled with spirit and spunk
Harry, the constant collector of spirits
And Mike who was constantly drunk.

When our crew sailed away on a lovely Friday
The citizens started to wonder...
“Could they get past the bay” a ship’s captain did say
“Or will a barnacle pull their boat under?”

“Laugh if you will!” Exacto exclaimed
Just as Lindsay and Miles took the wheel
They took it and hid it then admitted they did it
The twins took what ere they could steal.

Without a strong rudder, the boat sliced like butter
Right into the harbor’s main pier
I meant to do that, claimed Exacto who sat
And yelled “somebody bring me a beer!”

Now Mike had been hiding and surely imbibing
Stowed deep in the vessel’s main hold
And when Lindsay and Miles went to go fetch an ale
Mike was dozing near a huge stack of gold!

With nary a tarry they called upon Harry
Who helped them sort through the doubloons
Stuffing coins in their trousers they spent the next hours
Just laughing like three newborn loons.

Then Mike staggered up yelling “what’s this about?”
Adding, “Someone’s been drinking the Rum.”
Seeing gold in their pockets and trinkets and lockets
He stumbled right into their scrum.

The next thing they knew, the whole weekend had flew
Those four crewmates all splayed and in shock
And with the divisions of the liquid provisions
They were more or less moored at “dry dock.”

When Pyro came in, just to see where they’d been
While their vessel had been run aground
He soon got the feeling from deck up to ceiling
Exacto would hate what he’d found.

So he shrugged and he nodded and stepped in and plodded
Around all the still snoring crew
But when he lit a match as the twins cut a fart
The result was a massive KA-BLEW!

That blast lit the wick to a dynamite stick
Attached to the powder room slab
And after that bomb Lindsay swore off the drink
Made a beeline, straight to rehab.

Then Miles was tossed clear and flipped onto a sphere
After flying right into a wall
But try as he might, the end of Miles’ flight
Was quite simply, his own wrecking ball.

That ball was the anchor, a gift from a banker
Who wanted them out of the nation
And when Miles’ hit the orb, then his speed it absorbed
And the poor twin just missed a castration!

Next, soused as he was, Mike caught a fresh buzz
Cause he already felt oh so high
When the blast sent him up to the Crow’s Nest above
He realized that he could fly!

So Mike took a leap when he got to his feet
As he planned to sail over the harbor
But his arms were not wings and of all silly things
He landed on the wet side of starboard.

Harry so calm, the eye of our storm
May not have had much time to waste
He flew towards the pier with the gold and the beer
And gave every eyewitness a taste.

Exacto our cap, simply got in a trap
As he still sat upon his deck bench
The blast took his clothes so that every last nose
Was aware of his hideous stench.

Being public and nude with the smell oh so rude
Exacto considered a whim
He dived over the side just to roll with the tide
But he never did learn how to swim.

Mike paid a dear price as flotation device
When Exacto fell atop of and to him
As they both watched poor Miles scramble on his big ball
Their mutual thought was just screw him!

Despite holes in the boat their poor craft stayed afloat
Which kept all the citizens hoping
But the crew crawling out from the boat and the bay
Said “people, you've got to be joking!”

“We gave in a lot and we gave it a shot
And though we had planned not to stay
We have to believe that this is a sign
For us to remain here, today!”

Then the crew managed to outrun everyone who
Wanted blood, and to kill, maim or strangle ‘em
The mob hung six sheets, made from the ship's sails
And torched them and angrily mangled ‘em.

You’re wondering now about the impetus, how
The Weak Six got linked as if married.
The answer is plain, it was all pre-arranged
By a purser called Stephanie Gary.

She imagined a need, thought she did a good deed
By grouping them all on that ship
By sending them off on that unfortunate cruise
She’d make magic from a very bad trip.

But the logic she used was a little confused
Gary’s thoughts were completely off track.
Never book passage with an agent like her
Steph was ob-vi-ous-ly on The Crack.

*This piece was written for LJ Idol using the prompt: "step on a crack"


( 36 comments — Leave a comment )
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Apr. 20th, 2014 11:23 pm (UTC)
Love this! :D
Apr. 21st, 2014 11:29 am (UTC)
Wow! If poems are what'll get you back on LJ, maybe I'll have to write more! Thanks for reading!
(no subject) - serendipity - Apr. 21st, 2014 08:15 pm (UTC) - Expand
Apr. 21st, 2014 09:30 pm (UTC)
I'm really jealous of your ability with poems, and possibly more jealous of your ability with humor. I think people might like reading my stuff more if it was happier and less dark.. XD

Anyways, enough about me! I enjoyed this, especially the Exacto guy - totally hilarious and cute.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 02:29 am (UTC)
Thanks for a great compliment!

Yes, when I saw the prompt I knew I wanted to do something frivolous and silly, since I didn't think that would be the popular choice, and I needed to go another way.

This definitely ran longer than I originally intended, but I think the meter and rhythm made it a faster read. Glad you liked!!
Apr. 22nd, 2014 06:00 am (UTC)
Very nice.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 11:57 am (UTC)
Thank you, and thanks for reading!
Apr. 22nd, 2014 06:33 am (UTC)
The leader de facto was a guy called Exacto
Tho, he wasn’t as sharp as a knife

This line was the best. This is the kind of poem I picture pirates singing in a bar, waving their steins around, spilling beer everywhere, and breaking chairs over each others' heads after the last stanza passes.
Apr. 22nd, 2014 12:03 pm (UTC)
That was the direction I was going with this! I'd be honored to have a fistfight break out at the end of anything I had written, so thanks for that image!
Apr. 22nd, 2014 07:13 am (UTC)
I liked the rhyme scheme here, especially the within-line rhymes. One of my favorites, for the sounds inside it, was,

Seeing gold in their pockets and trinkets and lockets

And then just randomly,
Harry, the constant collector of spirits
And Mike who was constantly drunk.

because what a perfect pair those two made!

Apr. 22nd, 2014 12:13 pm (UTC)
Thanks very much! I wanted it to be whimsical and quick paced and the rhyme scheme just seemed to fit that pretty naturally. And it was a lot of fun to write! I really could have gone on and expanded, but it was already over 1000 words. Maybe I should have done this in Week 3 or 4? :)
Apr. 22nd, 2014 12:29 pm (UTC)
Haha...now that was a great tale you told..loved the pace..enjoyed it a lot! Well done!
Apr. 23rd, 2014 10:16 am (UTC)
Thanks very much and thanks for reading!
Apr. 22nd, 2014 12:58 pm (UTC)
Sooooooooooo good!!!! Rollicking.
Apr. 23rd, 2014 10:17 am (UTC)
Thanks a lot!
Apr. 23rd, 2014 01:34 pm (UTC)
This was just great! I love light verse. Too many favorite parts to list all of them here, but some of them were the explosion and the "taking" of the wheel. Outstanding.
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:24 am (UTC)
Coming from one of the funniest writers, this is very high praise. Thanks!
Apr. 23rd, 2014 04:27 pm (UTC)
*laughter* Thanks for making me smile.
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:24 am (UTC)
I'm delighted you enjoyed it! Thanks!
Apr. 23rd, 2014 05:09 pm (UTC)
Your rhythm here harkens back to a style I'd thought long since lost, and am glad to see again. This reads like a Benny Hill sketch. Such fun!
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:35 am (UTC)
Wow! Benny Hill was a hero of mine as a kid, so I'm very honored. Thanks!
Apr. 23rd, 2014 09:42 pm (UTC)
This is great story-telling, rhyming and so entertaining! AW
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:35 am (UTC)
I'm happy you liked it! Thanks!!
Apr. 24th, 2014 12:43 am (UTC)
Very limerick-esque and great scene setting (which is tough to do in a rhythmic poem). Some of the details, like the mechanics of explosions and whether wrecking balls were testicles, required a few readings. The whole thing was riotous enough to warrant that trip again. Good show.
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:37 am (UTC)
I might have been able to smooth some of it out if I had a bit more time, but between the deadline and some other commitments, it was a tight fit! But I'm glad you liked it and felt ok with another read through! Thanks very much!
Apr. 24th, 2014 02:08 am (UTC)
I thoroughly enjoyed this.
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:37 am (UTC)
Thanks very kindly!
Apr. 24th, 2014 02:46 am (UTC)
This is amusing. :)
Apr. 24th, 2014 03:38 am (UTC)
Thanks for having a look and for your nice comment!
(no subject) - jem0000000 - Apr. 25th, 2014 04:38 am (UTC) - Expand
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( 36 comments — Leave a comment )

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